I have been battling with depression lately.
I am depressed because of chemical imbalances, loneliness, lack of income and because things haven’t worked out the way I wanted them to.
I think God hates me. He hates me because I prayed to Him whether or not I should have used the Israeli service Fiverr to monetize my YouTube channel, heard a voice that said to go ahead and do it, then ultimately got banned from the AdSense program due to invalid traffic.
Sucks because not only did I waste my time and money but I also lost my faith in God.
Now I feel lost and like life is not worth living because the rock that was my foundation (my faith in God) turns out is a bottomless pit.
Now I just make content with the hope that I will make affiliate marketing sales.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t self terminate but I can’t keep going this way believing in something that is not worthy of my faith and love.
My belief systems are all messed up.
I also hate my job and all I want to do at this point is start smoking weed again.
But if I do and end up getting drug tested I will lose the job I hate but also my source of income.
Why would a loving God be so cruel? Why would a father that wants to be loved and obeyed leave His children in the care of a snake?
Why should I keep going? Why am I fighting to live if I am just living to fight?
You the reader probably don’t care but I am not writing this for you at this point. I am writing this to try and relieve my stress.
Stress that I know would get taken away, at least momentarily if I was high.
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